Consider the honeysuckle

Today's circumstances weren't particularly fortuitous. In fact, an objective stance might wager that today's events would have surely left me in a low mood. I'm not sure why I was in such a bright mood instead at the outset of this day, but if God saw fit to bless me with an extra dose of joy, I'll take it.

For one thing, there was a hornet in our house this morning, which my brother tried to vanquish once but to no avail. We both had to get to work, so we left knowing it was still lurking somewhere. Such an incident could leave me much more frazzled than it did. I didn't want there to be a hornet potentially waiting for me when I returned home, but oh well.

(As it turns out, my brother found it again when he got off work and made swift work of dealing with it once and for all).

For another thing, I'd gotten an email from one of the parents of a student explaining how her son was getting stressed out with homework and projects. Now, the kids I teach have some learning difficulties, so it's not a walk in the park to write out an essay or read a few chapters in a book. I do understand that perspective, not to mention remembering how overwhelmed I felt as a student with tons of work to do. So I felt a little bad for the kid, but at the same time, I have been really lenient with assigning homework, especially compared to the workload I had as a high school student. The big stuff I've given them as their final projects is broken up into smaller goals, like having the main idea due one day, then an outline due the next week, a draft the following week, etc.

My point is: I could have over-thought about being too demanding, but I didn't go that route. I replied to the mom saying I was sorry to hear of the stress, that I understood, and that I was glad that this student had parental support and that he was doing very well in class.

Speaking of schools:

So far, every place except for one (which I just haven't heard back from at all yet) to which I have applied for a full time teaching position in Nashville has rejected my application. I had three more schools lined up to apply to (one that had an opening and two that didn't), but last night I decided to pause in the application process. I'm bummed that an offer hasn't come as readily as my current position came to me, but I'm not that surprised given the competitive job market, my limited experience, and the fact that my current job was a divine appointment from the Lord, so He had it work out just so. And that's not saying He wouldn't open a spot for me like that again... but I'm not about to just sit back and expect that.

I've gone through waves of hope and despair with this whole attempt lately, and I know a lot of it is because now I'm down to the wire of when I need to let my current supervisor know of my intentions for next year. It's basically charting my course for the next year within the next few days, and it makes me nervous.

What I want is to go to Nashville as soon as I can. But is that what God wants for me at this time? I'm not as distressed thinking about all of it at the moment, but that's probably due to putting off the final decision until more prayer and discussion over the weekend.

*sigh*

I'm sitting outside right now, and I'd sat outside last evening while it was still light out, before the storms came through. Being out in the breezes and vibrant green and bloom helps still the whirring thoughts and grips of worry on my heart. Just sitting... breathing in the scent of grass and distant honeysuckle... hearing the sweet trill of birds and the mellow, random melody of wind chimes. At such times, the verses often come to my heart about considering the lilies of the field and the birds, how the Lord provides splendor and nourishment to them without them even asking, for He delights in His creation. So how much more should I not worry about God fulfilling desires and directing my steps?

I really just want to know, beyond doubt, what God is calling me to for this upcoming season. Trying to anticipate the outcome of two different paths, each with various options within them, has been wearing on me. I don't want just to pick something but to know that it's what God wants and to trust that He'll see me through the rest of the way. Have I been rushing rather than fully waiting on Him? Or have I been stepping out in hope and faith and now need to press forward all the more?

My dreams have sure put together a patchwork display of what's on my mind. The other night had travel, quick route diversions to avoid imminent disaster, a guide by the ocean, missing a drawer full of clothing my mom insisted needed more washing, and finding an unsent letter from decades ago that was kept behind because the recipient had had a tragic loss.

Last night, the only dream I fully recall was one of weightlessness. I was with other people in a light-colored room that simulated zero gravity. It was fascinating. And peaceful. I remember saying, "This is just like being underwater, except that you can breathe."

I've been trying to honestly surrender my desires and my pathway to God, being fully open to where He would lead me. These dreams have reflected my course, my will, opportunities and desires, and then, with that weightless one, a sense of release. Maybe the fact that I haven't felt in turmoil today means that I'm not holding so tightly onto my plans anymore. I still don't feel a clear leading, so I'm going to wait. And pray.

And once again, current events make me keep things in perspective. I am immensely grateful that my home and surrounding area were spared destruction from tornadoes and floods. God is so gracious to me, and He has blessed me with so much and fulfilled some big hopes of mine, some which involved a *lot* of waiting and delayed gratification. I'm also trying to keep in mind, in case things turn out differently than I've been anticipating, that one disappointment in one season may be seen as a gracious turn of events by the next season.

God is faithful, and right now, I'm believing in His faithfulness to make my path clear to me.

B+

First of all, I should be in bed. But I'm not. Stayed up wanting to type things on here that are weighing on my mind in the hopes that just releasing them would lift my mood. But I've procrastinated my thought-to-post formulating, so now I'm tired. Tiredness lends itself to tiresome thoughts. And I realized that it's too easy to start dwelling on stuff I don't like or agree with and to develop a complaining attitude when, really, I should constantly be grateful for all that I have in abundance around me right now.

Even now, I'm trying to pinpoint what issue is so bad that I could be bothered instead of contented right now.

At this point, it's Christmas Eve. I still need to put my gifts into giftbags, but that won't take much time. I like giving. I'm so thankful I can afford to bestow a few extra tokens upon my family and some friends.

We're having a bunch of people over Christmas night, and I'm anticipating some stress with younger kids needing attention and entertainment when all I want to do is enjoy Christmas in my own home and not worry about looking after other peoples' kids. However, it's a blessing to open our home to long-time friends and their kids, to share warmth and joy. We'll be surrounded by abundance in love, friendship, food, and cheer.

My room is still messy. I get little patches straightened up here and there and give away or throw away trash bags full of stuff, and yet piles remain. How did I ever accumulate so much and/or let so much stuff scatter without proper organization? And yet... I am so thankful that I don't have to deal with a condition like hoarding (ok, so I'm a minor pack-rat/ sentimental keepsake person a lot of the time...). I actually really like the feeling of getting rid of excess material things. Some extras serve well as gifts. Others.... I still plan to try selling online someday. Gosh, I gotta do that. Get rid of things and get money at the same time? Without the hassle of a garage sale? It'd be nice. In any case, I've never been wanting for nice things. I just need to keep up with organization and prioritize the time and place for saving and getting rid of certain items.

My computer screen/ internet browser/ webpage window does not allow me to see the top part of my layout's background image, and it's kind of bumming me out. I know there's a cute white bird perched on a branch, but I can't see it.

However, part of that may just be due to either my lack of knowledge of how to adjust such settings or the fact that it's a sacrifice I'll just have to make while viewing this webpage with a Macbook. A beautiful, shiny, white new Macbook. First computer upgrade since getting my first computer for my highschool graduation (that's 8 years with the same old Dell). I am thrilled to have a Macbook.

For several years, I've been aware of a tension within the Messianic Jewish movement regarding Christmas. Some people are adamant to point out the pagan origins of December 25th and, therefore, how it's inappropriate to celebrate Christmas.... and there's a lot more to that, but I won't get into it. Plenty of materials out there to research. My point is: I like Christmas, and I've always celebrated it. Never did any of the Santa Claus schtick, but we've had a tree and exchanged gifts on Dec. 25th, listened to Christmas music, etc. I'm a Messianic Jew. I observe the Biblical feasts and holy days. So I celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas. It irks me when folks who don't believe in celebrating Christmas make such a fuss about it. Personally, I believe Yeshua (Jesus) was more likely born during the harvest season, around the festival of Sukkot, based on what I've heard of the Biblical timeline. So the date's off. But for everyone who keeps the birth of the Messiah, God's gift of Salvation to the world, as the focus of Christmas, spreading love and helping the less fortunate and gathering for fellowship... I think all of that is good and pleasing and beautiful.

So Merry Christmas.

And I have not had anyone lecture me or anything or come across any all-out "attacks" (a strong word, but I'm tired... synonyms aren't top on the list this moment) on Christmas, so I need not dwell on the subject. Really, the only thing that's been bothering me lately is Santa. I'm just over the whole Santa business. I think it's been building up inside of me (isn't that a part of a song somewhere?), and I've had it with the far end of the Christmas spectrum that replaces the birth of Christ with Santa Claus and the North Pole.

Santa's a phony. Yeshua is real.

On the flip side of annoyance, I am thankful that I live in the United States of America where, despite political correctness that can get plain ridiculous, I'm free to worship my God and celebrate Him in the open, without fear of persecution (I know, aside from the general slant against Christianity, certain moments of separation of church and state, etc., we still have it great over here on the freedom-of-faith front, and for that, I am very glad).

I must never take for granted God's work in my life and in my family's lives. My parents and brothers and I can be here together in love and harmony when, a few years ago, there were rifts in our relationships to one another, and I wasn't sure that we'd ever be together as a family much longer after that. Thank God for His faithfulness and mercy. We are healthy, happy, and together, and it is a wonderful thing.

Lastly (as I gape a the current time), I wish getting together with my boyfriend were a matter of casual coordination and a 15-20 minute drive rather than planning weeks in advance and driving 2-4 hours just to be with one another. It's a fact that the distance stinks. Sometimes it's a benefit... but I feel like the time of distance benefits has gone (probably hasn't... we might yet find something great about the distance... maybe), so all I want is our closeness.

However: it's our reality right now, and we have discussed our concerns and hopes and fears in regards to that reality, and I trust that God has it in His hands and that we won't have this distance forever. AND if having such a remarkable man as my significant other happens to include roughly 220-odd miles of space between us most days, it's worth it, and I wouldn't trade the miles for anyone closer. I am so thankful for modern technology that allows instant communication, and I am thankful that I have a vehicle and funds available for road trips and adventures with him. Micah, if you're reading this, I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I am so incredibly blessed to have you in my life. You make my heart gong. :)

I would k'vetch about it being so late already, but it's my own doing. And now, I am free to leave the computer and become one with a soft, warm bed to catch a few hours of sleep before the Christmas Eve day ahead.

Sleep well, if you're going to sleep. Godspeed, if you're facing the rest of the day. And be uplifted, at whatever point of the 24 hours you find yourself.

Life Story

{I was in the mood to update my Xanga, so the following is a copy of that post.}

I was going through some old posts in my subscriptions the other day, then went to my Xanga calendar to compare notes with my posts from last August, August 2008, and neighboring months around those times. I'm really glad I kept up with blogging back in the day and can go back to glimpse just one aspect of the story of my life.

Lately, I've been considering what it means for my life to be a story. I should really practice my writing more and commit to a long-term project like a full-fledged short story (instead of the little scenes I compose and then abandon) to see if characters start to take on a life of their own. I always hear about that from other writers, how their characters are always on their mind and seem to shape the story in a way the writer had not previously conceived. Without sounding crazy, I think that's pretty neat. Haha... so long as it's a matter of ideas formulating for the purpose of writing a story and not hearing voices.

With this writer-character-story interaction in mind, I've thought of my life's story and how I'm the main character (as Kate Winslet's character exclaims in the film The Holiday, "You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!"), but that means I'm not the author of my own story. Sometimes I try to be, and though I have free will and take actions that produce consequences, I'm really glad I'm not in charge of the big picture. My Author is the epitome, beyond human comprehension, of all that is creativity, master storytelling, and strategy. Unlike me, He does not procrastinate but has the whole book finished already! He knew the beginning and the end of my story before I was even born, and not only that-- He knows me better than any other author can know his or her character (and man, for a good story with depth and development, you really have to know the characters you're writing about), even better than I know myself.

Over the past month or so, I've felt a new chapter of my life beginning, which is hopefully also the start of a new "part" or even "book" in the grand scheme of my life's series.

This past weekend, I went on a retreat with my congregation's Teen and College groups, and somehow I'd missed the memo (or it was hidden from my perception by my Author until the last moment ;) ) that the theme of the weekend was "These Three Remain: Faith, Hope, and Love" (based on 1 Cor. 13:13, naturally), along with a closing teaching for "Dedication." During the teachings, our speaker shared key verses that had been on my heart over the past couple weeks, including Hebrews 11:1 and Lamentations 3:25-26. Out of faith, hope, love, and dedication, "hope" is what I came away with the most from the weekend. I realized that I've been afraid to let my hopes be high for fear of the disappointment that just might come at the end of it, as it's come so often in my past. But if I put my hope in the Lord, I can't go wrong. In fact, my hopes should be highest in Him.

During some free time Saturday afternoon, I stole away to the back porch of our beautiful cabin and sat in a rocking chair with my Bible, notebook, and iPod. I don't usually play music while I have my quiet time, as the lyrics can distract my focus, but I really wanted to listen to the playlist I'd compiled for the weekend, with all kinds of God-themed songs. It was a rare instance where the songs and my prayers, which I thought I'd try writing out, so I'd have a record for myself, all coincided. I'd get a verse reference in mind, look it up... say a prayer... and then the lyrics in the song would match up. In fact, I was repenting for some past mistakes and stubbornness, asking the Lord to purify my heart, and not a second after I'd written out that thought, I heard "all is forgiven" in the song that was playing. There were many other moments, and by the end, I just felt so full of hope!

How could I ever doubt my Author?

haha.. I'm just now reminded of how I'll sometimes be reading a story with a really intense moment, and to keep my eyes from jumping ahead in the dialogue, I cover the rest of the page with my hand so I don't spoil anything for myself. If I'm that concerned with letting the story unfold without looking ahead, how much more should I apply that to my own life? How much more should all of us apply that?

Usually, it's not too peachy to have long periods of waiting and trying to be patient, especially while hoping for something. During my Xanga rambling the other day, I visited the page of a friend who has left Xanga for an indefinite span of time (which is really a shame, for she writes beautifully!). Anyway, the last post before her farewell-to-Xangaland note was from March 2009, and she spoke of how the fulfillment of dreams and desires often take a form entirely different from what we've imagined. I found it very encouraging (and recently told her so) to read something like that, posted nearly a year and a half ago, that ministered to my current circumstances of waiting and hoping to see desires fulfilled (especially the ones that have always seemed such a long way coming... though I won't specify those just yet).

Another good friend and I were talking late the other night of how you can hope for something for so long, and since it seems like the fulfillment is so far away in the future, with no prospect to connect the distance, when you start to see a glimmer on the horizon-- or right in front of your face-- you almost don't believe it.

All of that to say: God has renewed my hope and is drawing me deeper-- and higher, at the same time-- into His promises and faithfulness.

I do have high hopes, for I'm putting my hope in Him. :)

Be blessed, dear reader!