Today's circumstances weren't particularly fortuitous. In fact, an objective stance might wager that today's events would have surely left me in a low mood. I'm not sure why I was in such a bright mood instead at the outset of this day, but if God saw fit to bless me with an extra dose of joy, I'll take it.
For one thing, there was a hornet in our house this morning, which my brother tried to vanquish once but to no avail. We both had to get to work, so we left knowing it was still lurking somewhere. Such an incident could leave me much more frazzled than it did. I didn't want there to be a hornet potentially waiting for me when I returned home, but oh well.
(As it turns out, my brother found it again when he got off work and made swift work of dealing with it once and for all).
For another thing, I'd gotten an email from one of the parents of a student explaining how her son was getting stressed out with homework and projects. Now, the kids I teach have some learning difficulties, so it's not a walk in the park to write out an essay or read a few chapters in a book. I do understand that perspective, not to mention remembering how overwhelmed I felt as a student with tons of work to do. So I felt a little bad for the kid, but at the same time, I have been really lenient with assigning homework, especially compared to the workload I had as a high school student. The big stuff I've given them as their final projects is broken up into smaller goals, like having the main idea due one day, then an outline due the next week, a draft the following week, etc.
My point is: I could have over-thought about being too demanding, but I didn't go that route. I replied to the mom saying I was sorry to hear of the stress, that I understood, and that I was glad that this student had parental support and that he was doing very well in class.
Speaking of schools:
So far, every place except for one (which I just haven't heard back from at all yet) to which I have applied for a full time teaching position in Nashville has rejected my application. I had three more schools lined up to apply to (one that had an opening and two that didn't), but last night I decided to pause in the application process. I'm bummed that an offer hasn't come as readily as my current position came to me, but I'm not that surprised given the competitive job market, my limited experience, and the fact that my current job was a divine appointment from the Lord, so He had it work out just so. And that's not saying He wouldn't open a spot for me like that again... but I'm not about to just sit back and expect that.
I've gone through waves of hope and despair with this whole attempt lately, and I know a lot of it is because now I'm down to the wire of when I need to let my current supervisor know of my intentions for next year. It's basically charting my course for the next year within the next few days, and it makes me nervous.
What I want is to go to Nashville as soon as I can. But is that what God wants for me at this time? I'm not as distressed thinking about all of it at the moment, but that's probably due to putting off the final decision until more prayer and discussion over the weekend.
*sigh*
I'm sitting outside right now, and I'd sat outside last evening while it was still light out, before the storms came through. Being out in the breezes and vibrant green and bloom helps still the whirring thoughts and grips of worry on my heart. Just sitting... breathing in the scent of grass and distant honeysuckle... hearing the sweet trill of birds and the mellow, random melody of wind chimes. At such times, the verses often come to my heart about considering the lilies of the field and the birds, how the Lord provides splendor and nourishment to them without them even asking, for He delights in His creation. So how much more should I not worry about God fulfilling desires and directing my steps?
I really just want to know, beyond doubt, what God is calling me to for this upcoming season. Trying to anticipate the outcome of two different paths, each with various options within them, has been wearing on me. I don't want just to pick something but to know that it's what God wants and to trust that He'll see me through the rest of the way. Have I been rushing rather than fully waiting on Him? Or have I been stepping out in hope and faith and now need to press forward all the more?
My dreams have sure put together a patchwork display of what's on my mind. The other night had travel, quick route diversions to avoid imminent disaster, a guide by the ocean, missing a drawer full of clothing my mom insisted needed more washing, and finding an unsent letter from decades ago that was kept behind because the recipient had had a tragic loss.
Last night, the only dream I fully recall was one of weightlessness. I was with other people in a light-colored room that simulated zero gravity. It was fascinating. And peaceful. I remember saying, "This is just like being underwater, except that you can breathe."
I've been trying to honestly surrender my desires and my pathway to God, being fully open to where He would lead me. These dreams have reflected my course, my will, opportunities and desires, and then, with that weightless one, a sense of release. Maybe the fact that I haven't felt in turmoil today means that I'm not holding so tightly onto my plans anymore. I still don't feel a clear leading, so I'm going to wait. And pray.
And once again, current events make me keep things in perspective. I am immensely grateful that my home and surrounding area were spared destruction from tornadoes and floods. God is so gracious to me, and He has blessed me with so much and fulfilled some big hopes of mine, some which involved a *lot* of waiting and delayed gratification. I'm also trying to keep in mind, in case things turn out differently than I've been anticipating, that one disappointment in one season may be seen as a gracious turn of events by the next season.
God is faithful, and right now, I'm believing in His faithfulness to make my path clear to me.
