Life Story

{I was in the mood to update my Xanga, so the following is a copy of that post.}

I was going through some old posts in my subscriptions the other day, then went to my Xanga calendar to compare notes with my posts from last August, August 2008, and neighboring months around those times. I'm really glad I kept up with blogging back in the day and can go back to glimpse just one aspect of the story of my life.

Lately, I've been considering what it means for my life to be a story. I should really practice my writing more and commit to a long-term project like a full-fledged short story (instead of the little scenes I compose and then abandon) to see if characters start to take on a life of their own. I always hear about that from other writers, how their characters are always on their mind and seem to shape the story in a way the writer had not previously conceived. Without sounding crazy, I think that's pretty neat. Haha... so long as it's a matter of ideas formulating for the purpose of writing a story and not hearing voices.

With this writer-character-story interaction in mind, I've thought of my life's story and how I'm the main character (as Kate Winslet's character exclaims in the film The Holiday, "You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!"), but that means I'm not the author of my own story. Sometimes I try to be, and though I have free will and take actions that produce consequences, I'm really glad I'm not in charge of the big picture. My Author is the epitome, beyond human comprehension, of all that is creativity, master storytelling, and strategy. Unlike me, He does not procrastinate but has the whole book finished already! He knew the beginning and the end of my story before I was even born, and not only that-- He knows me better than any other author can know his or her character (and man, for a good story with depth and development, you really have to know the characters you're writing about), even better than I know myself.

Over the past month or so, I've felt a new chapter of my life beginning, which is hopefully also the start of a new "part" or even "book" in the grand scheme of my life's series.

This past weekend, I went on a retreat with my congregation's Teen and College groups, and somehow I'd missed the memo (or it was hidden from my perception by my Author until the last moment ;) ) that the theme of the weekend was "These Three Remain: Faith, Hope, and Love" (based on 1 Cor. 13:13, naturally), along with a closing teaching for "Dedication." During the teachings, our speaker shared key verses that had been on my heart over the past couple weeks, including Hebrews 11:1 and Lamentations 3:25-26. Out of faith, hope, love, and dedication, "hope" is what I came away with the most from the weekend. I realized that I've been afraid to let my hopes be high for fear of the disappointment that just might come at the end of it, as it's come so often in my past. But if I put my hope in the Lord, I can't go wrong. In fact, my hopes should be highest in Him.

During some free time Saturday afternoon, I stole away to the back porch of our beautiful cabin and sat in a rocking chair with my Bible, notebook, and iPod. I don't usually play music while I have my quiet time, as the lyrics can distract my focus, but I really wanted to listen to the playlist I'd compiled for the weekend, with all kinds of God-themed songs. It was a rare instance where the songs and my prayers, which I thought I'd try writing out, so I'd have a record for myself, all coincided. I'd get a verse reference in mind, look it up... say a prayer... and then the lyrics in the song would match up. In fact, I was repenting for some past mistakes and stubbornness, asking the Lord to purify my heart, and not a second after I'd written out that thought, I heard "all is forgiven" in the song that was playing. There were many other moments, and by the end, I just felt so full of hope!

How could I ever doubt my Author?

haha.. I'm just now reminded of how I'll sometimes be reading a story with a really intense moment, and to keep my eyes from jumping ahead in the dialogue, I cover the rest of the page with my hand so I don't spoil anything for myself. If I'm that concerned with letting the story unfold without looking ahead, how much more should I apply that to my own life? How much more should all of us apply that?

Usually, it's not too peachy to have long periods of waiting and trying to be patient, especially while hoping for something. During my Xanga rambling the other day, I visited the page of a friend who has left Xanga for an indefinite span of time (which is really a shame, for she writes beautifully!). Anyway, the last post before her farewell-to-Xangaland note was from March 2009, and she spoke of how the fulfillment of dreams and desires often take a form entirely different from what we've imagined. I found it very encouraging (and recently told her so) to read something like that, posted nearly a year and a half ago, that ministered to my current circumstances of waiting and hoping to see desires fulfilled (especially the ones that have always seemed such a long way coming... though I won't specify those just yet).

Another good friend and I were talking late the other night of how you can hope for something for so long, and since it seems like the fulfillment is so far away in the future, with no prospect to connect the distance, when you start to see a glimmer on the horizon-- or right in front of your face-- you almost don't believe it.

All of that to say: God has renewed my hope and is drawing me deeper-- and higher, at the same time-- into His promises and faithfulness.

I do have high hopes, for I'm putting my hope in Him. :)

Be blessed, dear reader!